


Standing on the Outside

by chrystening



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Depression, M/M, good ol' kissin', maybe anxiety, rated T for kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 08:25:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13971159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrystening/pseuds/chrystening
Summary: Depression has never been a good combination with anything, but it definitely doesn’t go well with being in love with your friend-turned-mafia-boss.Tsuna/Male!Reader





	Standing on the Outside

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written in forever i know... life is hard
> 
> i decided against smut but it may come later

_God_ , you thought, _I wish I were dead._

You stared ahead, dazed. You registered the expert, precise movement of the sparring men yards before you, but were looking far beyond them. Hayato evaded a swift arc of Takeshi’s blade, enveloped in deceptively tranquil rain flame. The swordsman’s face held a joyful grin, while the other was openly furious. But you knew that the two were acutely focused on the battle despite their childish banter.

You eyes traveled a bit to the right, where their boss stood, amused. You stepped forward, longing to be by him. You saw his head turn to where you were.

Your heart jolted, and you looked away quickly. You glowered at the ground, hoping he couldn’t see the yearning in your eyes. If he met your gaze, he’d know.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Shivers ran up your spine as you whipped around. Reborn stood on a tree branch, at eye level with you. You couldn’t read whatever he was thinking from his beady eyes, dark like onyx. He didn’t seem amused or annoyed, but you knew Reborn was never quite what he seemed.

“Reborn—“ you fumed. “You scared the crap out of me.”

“You’re in the mafia. Do better,” he spoke nonchalantly. “So, what are you doing?”

You crossed your arms and tried to look nonchalant as well.

“I’m watching Hayato and Takeshi fight.”

“No—you’re watching _Tsuna_ watch Gokudera and Yamamoto fight.”

You blushed, beyond your control.

“I am not.”

Reborn wasn’t amused. His lack of response sobered you.

You sighed.

“Alright, maybe I am—“ When you turned to him, he was gone. The leaves rustled in the wind. He was always doing that, you noted with frustration.

You brought your attentions forward again, but were startled to see Tsuna approaching you. You wished you could flee, but you doubted doing so would leave you any dignity. Not to mention, it was pretty hard to avoid a mafia boss who could just command you to see him.

“What was that about?” Tsuna began, an amiable smile on his face.

“What was what about?” you returned, trying to look invested in the battle behind him. Their clashes were occurring more often, both going on the offensive.

“I saw you talking to Reborn.”

“Oh.”

A three-second silence dragged on, and your mind screamed at you to abort the situation. _When did it get so hard to talk to him_ , you wondered. You recalled being middle-schoolers, then high-schoolers – even the midst of all the trouble with Mukuro, the Varia, Byakuran… you two remained so close you were almost tripping over each other. You two shared secrets no one else knew about the other. As soon as you realized you loved him, you created distance. But maybe you created too much, because Tsuna was nearly a stranger now. He had other people he could depend on now. He didn't need you.

You burned with acid, angry how it all changed. You were angry how you let it get this bad.

“It was just about my shooting.” Lies flowed too well on your tongue, which you felt was one of your best qualities. You briefly glanced at your boss to see if he believed you. His face didn’t reveal anything.

An acorn fell between you two, and the sun peeked out from behind a cloud. Under the tree you were standing beneath, dappled light decorated the ground. You admired its lacy patterns and took to playing with how the light bounced off the ring on your pinky finger. It was a gift from Tsuna, and you never took it off. Your very own guardian ring, you liked to think of it.

“It’s beautiful out,” he breathed. He stretched indulgently, giving you a show of just how well his suit fit on him.

You looked at him, taken aback at how the light fell upon his lashes, making his brown eyes look like speckled gold.

“Yeah,” you spoke, breathlessly. “Gorgeous.”

Heartache pinched your chest, and you suddenly found it hard to breathe. _Why can’t I… Why can’t we…_ You were standing right next to him, yet, you felt, if you tried to grasp him, you’d never reach him. Tears began to sting at your eyes, and you refused to disgrace yourself in front of your boss—your _friend_ like this.

Hayate and Takeshi’s duel climaxed in a large explosion, blue and scarlet flames dancing in the air. When the dust cleared, they were both panting, barely standing. A draw.

Tsuna turned to you to make a remark, but when he looked, you were gone.

-

Just seeing them together… it made your stomach lurch.

You felt that maybe what you needed was to cool off. Along with many miscellaneous members of the Vongola, you decided to lounge around the premises. There was a lull in missions and paperwork to do lately, so you all spent your time appreciating the beauty of the headquarters.

Or that's what you told yourself. You had gone inside to avoid Tsuna.

But funnily enough, you had found yourself watching your boss talk with his guardians. Then, you had gone to one of the kitchens to get a drink and came back to see Tsuna having a chat with _Kyoko_ of all people, the former school idol who was still undeniably beautiful.

Tsuna never told you, but you guessed that he had long since gotten over his crush on her. He didn’t stutter around her anymore. He didn’t amble awkwardly because he didn’t know what to do with himself when she was near. He regarded her as amiably as anyone else, but didn’t look at her with hearts in his eyes as he did as a teenager.

But now, in a sad twist, she was beginning to return his long-gone affections. It wasn’t blatant, but the telltale flush on her cheeks… how her stare lingered longer than necessary… it was the only conclusion to anyone looking. Or, it was the only conclusion to anyone looking as hard as you were.

You couldn’t help feeling a bit selfish. It was _you_ who he had confided in about the mafia in high school. It was _you_ who had been tested time and time again whether you were prepared to die for him, for the family. It was _you_ who stood by him ten years ago, baring your teeth at anyone who called him useless. Kyoko had never even interfered when Tsuna was being bullied. All these years later, you realized your attempts in not keeping a grudge against her were in vain. Maybe it was petty, and maybe you it was childish, but it was how you felt.

Suddenly, pain blossomed in your taut fist. You heard everyone in the room gasp. All eyes were on you. The glass you were holding had shattered in your grip. The water it held leaked down your hand, swirling with blood. Its shards pierced your skin. Had you been less distracted, you would’ve winced… or had any reaction, at that. Instead, you stared bitterly at the mess you made.

“Oh, dear!”

“Whoa, are you alright?”

“Here, let me get that…”

“I’m fine,” you bashfully assured everyone. Gentle housekeepers and burly security alike—you flinched away from their advances. You chuckled nervously, purposefully avoiding a watchful tawny gaze. As seconds passed, you grew increasingly solemn. A dark mist floated into your mind. _You should disappear,_ it whispered.

You excused yourself, rushing down a grand hall and making a beeline to where you knew you’d be safe.

“I wonder what that was about. I hope he’s okay,” Kyoko fretted, genuine concern coloring her eyes.

Tsuna almost didn’t hear her at all, his eyes trained on your retreating figure. “I have no idea…” Without another word he followed your trail.

–

You wrapped your bleeding hand in bandages, using your teeth to snip it. You flexed your hand a couple of times; the pain was tolerable, but still annoying. “Shooting’s going to be a bitch for a while,” you cursed. You sat in the quiet of your room, modestly decorated but still lavish. The silk bedsheets, the canopy that fell as light as champagne, the baroque pattern on the lush carpet, the thick curtains to keep the light out, the deep wood of your desk, the gentle accents around your spotless mirror—which Tsuna all had arranged in your favorite colors, in the way you had told him you liked one day in passing. Yet, none of it seemed to matter.

You continued working your hand experimentally, twisting and turning it. Your ring winked at you.

A gasp shook you, and you buried your head in your hands.

“I wish I were dead,” you voiced, for the first time.

Marked with an intense seriousness, you heard, _“ **Don’t** say things like that.”_

You jumped, frozen. You didn’t have to turn around to know who it was.

After a moment, you exhaled, your body shrinking. You sighed with mock frustration. “I realize you own the place, Boss, but this is still my room.” You swiped at your eyes before you turned in your seat to look at him.

Tsuna stood in the door frame, alarmed. To yourself, you wondered when he had gotten so tall… When had his eyes become so sharp? How long had it been since he had told you he was going to grow his hair out? He shut the door and made his way to you with a pained face. Had it been any other time, you would’ve realized how nerve-wracking this situation was–you, him, _alone_ in your bedroom. With each step, your heart would’ve drummed in your chest. But now, you just wanted him _gone_. To wanted to throw your little pity party in peace.

“Are you okay?”

Thoughtfully, you closed your eyes. No. No, you weren’t okay.

“No,” you said, knowing he wouldn’t leave you be even if the answer had been yes.

Tsuna sat next to you on your bed. He grasped your hand, which was on your knee. You made to throw off his hand, but Tsuna firmly held it.

“I hate this—I hate _myself_.” You bowed your head, the ornate details on the floor filling your vision, until they were blurred with tears. “I wish I were _dead._ ” You laughed a choked laugh, wheezing.

“ _Please_ , don’t say things like that,” he said again, in the same of whisper the mist in your head had. You wished it were _his_ voice filling your mind. He pulled you into his arms. When his hand settled on your waist, you pushed his chest away roughly.

“Why is it always her?” you started, teary-eyed.

He looked at you seriously, ready to confront whoever was doing you harm. “Who?”

“Kyoko,” you gritted, glaring at him. You both loved and hated that he kept some of his oblivious nature.

His eyes widened. “Kyoko is…”

“Totally in love with you,” you spat. You shook him off you, trying to end what hadn’t even started to save yourself some heartache. You stood up off the bed, tried to fold your arms, but his hand around yours wouldn’t let you.

“It’s always everyone else—everyone but me.”

His eyes hardened, grip tightening. “That’s not true, and you know it. You’re as important to me as anyone else.” You didn’t respond, because you couldn’t deny that. You knew you were important to him. So why was your mind always playing devil’s advocate, conjuring notions you knew rationally couldn’t be true… _why?_

“I know,” you croaked, small. “And they’re important to me, too.” Tsuna’s guardians were your brothers, siblings—your family. “They just make you feel so… far away,” you whispered.

“I thought—I thought you began to hate me,” he confessed, tired. He ran a hand through his hair, pushing bangs out of his eyes. You gaped at him in disbelief.

You placed a hand on his chest without even thinking.

“Tsuna, I could _never_ hate you,” you pleaded to him. Your eyes urged him to believe you.

“I know,” he said, his thumb now making circles on your hand. “Because Reborn told me.”

You blanched. “Reborn… told you what?”

Tsuna looked terribly serious. “He told me how you feel.” Your mouth dried, throat tight. “About me.”

“I—I… I—“ you struggled to come up with an excuse, a lie. Your skills in deception failed you. You managed to put some distance between the two of you, Tsuna finally relinquishing your hand. He was probably afraid you’d break if he held on.

You heard the bed creak as it was relieved from some weight.

Tsuna turned you around slowly, gently. Your body began heaving with your pants, shaking. You didn't want to see the disgust on his face.

You tentatively opened your eyes, not even knowing when you had closed them. He was _much_ too close _. Get away, get away! No, come closer, come closer!_   your mind battled. Your breath caught in your throat. You were getting closer. Or was he getting closer?

Your eyes fluttered to a close once you could feel the heat radiate off Tsuna’s body. Why wasn’t he stopping you? You felt his lips skirt across yours. You felt them trembling, just as you were.

“Kiss me,” you croaked.

Then more assured, but still gentle, he pressed them against yours.

Time could’ve stopped, the fucking house could’ve been on fire—you wouldn’t have noticed in that moment. The kiss was sweet, different, warm, it was your _first_ —It was _him_. You could’ve melted, the way he put one hand on your waist and the other behind your head. The moment went on forever, Tsuna playing with you in ways he _couldn’t_ have ten years ago. You could feel all of him—his benevolence, his kindness, his power, and to your pleasant surprise, his desire. With his suck of your tongue, you clutched his shirt tightly, knees weak. _Whoa_.

You didn’t even know when it had been over until he was looking down on you with slight concern.

“W-where’d you learn to do that—“

“I feel the same.”

You shook yourself out your stupor. “W-what?”

He took your hands in earnest, kissing your knuckles. Butterflies took flight in your stomach.

“I love you.”

Those three words were sobering. You looked at him as if for the first time, eyes wide. Your brows furrowed as tears swam up to the surface.

“I’m sorry it took me ten whole years to figure that out,” he said bashfully.

You shook your head, not able to speak. You kissed his cheek, his nose, his lips until laughter came uncontrollably from him. You laced your fingers into his and threw yourself backward onto your bed, taking him with you. Tsuna took to dotting your skin with feather light kisses once you both landed.

“I love you,” you gasped, as he reached a sweet spot behind your neck. Tsuna responded in Italian, the words spoken into your skin. You blushed, pleased at how he voice sounded whenever he spoke it. You’d have to tell him to do it more, you realized.

He looked down at you, before his eyes became lidded. His gaze showered down on you warmly. The two of you laid in silence, both comforted by the quiet and by the proximity. You realized with a jolt that he was growing closer again, unable to recall when he had placed a hand on your hips. His thumbs stroked you absentmindedly.

You allowed your guard to fall, unabashed in showing him the raw emotion you felt searing through your body. Your cheeks warmed, and you were satisfied in seeing his own grow to be an innocent pink. His old self was still in there somewhere.

You didn’t have to tell him this time.

Tsuna tilted your chin up with his fingers, closed the gap, and had you writhing against his lips in one motion. The kiss had its own magnetic pull, forcing you closer into his body. You couldn’t withdraw even if you wanted to. You moaned in appreciation of his skills, muffled.

With that sound, the moment shifted from romantic, to something heavier… This was something you hadn’t acquainted yourself with at all.

You were the one to withdraw this time, huffing. You saw Tsuna’s lips pink and swollen from stimulation, and assumed yours must look the same. His hair was mussed from where you had run your hand through it. You played with the longer pieces of hair. He looked… good, disheveled like that. He looked undone. In your appraisal, you hadn’t noticed his eyes growing darker.

You were taken aback at the heated look in them, but as you settled, you found it wasn’t something you disliked at all. If anything, you felt … desired.

But, you knew, that was for another time. Right now, you just wanted to lie here.

It was as if Tsuna could read your mind. The heat in your gaze cleared, replaced with understanding and affection. You let it wash over you.

He traced the bandages on your hurt hand, then your hand itself, as if trying to commit its texture to memory. In his inspection, the light from your room’s window hit your ring in just the right way.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! :^) leave a comment or kudos if you did please...


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